At
first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent,
Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a
patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray
vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say,
"Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you,
get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
When you're riding in a
time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn
into a fossil.
It takes a big man to
cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
A good way to threaten
somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse
up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship
mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine,
because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free
games.
I'd like to be buried
Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could
get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
If I lived back in the
wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.
That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a
soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could
just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."
Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the
soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
I bet when the
Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't
forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they
remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Fear can sometimes be a
useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear
that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon
pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the
radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Too bad you can't buy a
voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
The people in the
village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had
gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the
other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy
came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then
he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the
way of these people.
I wish I had a
Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone
when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our
solar system.
Dad always thought
laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to
understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically,
it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these
words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever
take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet
there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I guess we were all
guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary
bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason
the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and
lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up
and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can
say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog
sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog
because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it
could be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than
stupid.
If you were a poor
Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the
gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue
me."
If you define cowardice
as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy,
then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that
keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a
job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a
ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a
complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never
know.
We tend to scoff at the
beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this
is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest
flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a
long stick.
I think someone should
have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato
salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't
funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it
goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the
nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized
it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Most people don't
realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the
skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
If trees could scream,
would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time,
for no good reason.
Better not take a dog
on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face
might burn up.
You know what would
make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real
sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel
like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons
house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head
with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.
I think one way the
cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use
used ice picks.
If you ever reach total
enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
I believe in making the
world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think
children should be having sex.
Even though I was their
captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own
meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that
they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
I wish outer space guys
would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those
little beds with my name on it.
It's true that every
time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every
time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
If you're in a war,
instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe
it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a
real grenade at them.
I hope life isn't a big
joke, because I don't get it.
The next time I have
meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with
just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just
say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob
of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?