"It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money."

"To understand a man, you should walk a mile in his shoes. If you're still bothered by what he says, it's okay, because you will be a mile away and you will have his shoes."

"If you have a difficult task, give it to someone lazy. That person will find an easier way to do it."

"Perseverance is a sign of someone who is too stupid to know when to quit"

"Drive defensively. Buy a tank"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock"

"I always though a good sign in an Optometrists (eye doctor) office would be, 'If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place.'"

"Why do people order double cheese burgers, a large order of greasy fries, and then order a diet coke ?"

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"

"On the other hand, you have different fingers."

"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?"

"Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?"

"Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 trillion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?"

"Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?"

"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."

"Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too."

"The brain is a wonderful organ: it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school."

"Somebody ought to cross ballpoint pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear."

"Originality is the art of concealing your source."

"A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn."

"First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind."

"Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor."

"Parjer's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone."

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer."

"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."