A survey conducted with Peabody dorm has revealed that a whopping 97.3% of their members masturbate at least three times a week. An astounding 54.7% of the student population of Peabody masturbates at least once a day; not a single member of the dorm is a virgin to masturbation. "What I am looking at right now, these figures, they make me think that something is wrong with this dorm. I know that masturbation is now socially acceptable, but I think that there must be something that they put in the water or something if the situation is this bad. I seem to be the only one who does not masturbate often. I am more of the biweekly type of person; I feel left out," said Jordan Pollard, a Peabody dorm member.

When masturbation occurs so frequently in a dorm at Philips Exeter Academy, one wonders what the cause of this phenomenon is. Some people may believe that Peabody dorm was simply lucky enough to be the disposal area for all of those people who need to relieve themselves through masturbation. Others might hypothesis that the members of Peabody Dorm are simply unattractive. To put in simpler terms, girls do not like them. Therefore, the students in Peabody see masturbation as their only outlet for their individual sexual emotions. "I am not going to lie to you, before I came to Exeter, I had never been within four feet of a girl. Perhaps that was due to my previous hygiene conditions, but I have learned a lot since then. I am now in a variety of situations in which girls will talk to me, like classes for example; I have never had a girl talk to me in class before. Unfortunately, I feel as though I have hit a brick wall in my relationships with girls. Masturbation is the only physical outlet of my sexuality. Normally, I masturbate around two or three times a day, you know, just to relieve the pressure," said Mark Attiyeh, another member of Peabody.

To all of you people that masturbate, there is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbation. It is completely natural to masturbate; scientists have proved that it is actually healthy for you. So, do not think that you are the only one who masturbates at Exeter; you have almost every member of Peabody dorm behind you. Just one word of advice; remember to clean up after yourself.

                                     - By the Man in the Golden Robe